Chapter Seventeen: Cycles and Sinewaves

           The Emblem of the Star-Crossed Lovers (Interitus 1: Book X)

Chapter Seventeen: Cycles and Sinewaves

 

I think to some extent that I am guilty of distorting true reality with a myopic lens. Eloquent excerpts and phrases danced in my mind as if they could in any way provide some comfort or closure, but closure as a concept is cathartic at its very best. I did not want closure; I did not want to accept our time together could end. I would rather cling onto a tiny shred of hope and use it as an adhesive to pull myself together just enough to pass as whole, like the pieces of a broken bowl bound together by a low-grade paste. I pushed myself toward this hope as if it were the only blindfold which would accommodate the way I refused the reality. The poisoned air of an unclean world had contaminated my lungs after years in a moment of living in my head, begging both adversarial stars and an unreal God for one last chance to see her again. If the stages of loss are worth anything at all, I accepted only that I would never have acceptance. I begged fate itself to give her back in exchange for my feeble attempt at bargaining.

I ran across the quiet beach empowered by a stolen skill to stretch my stamina beyond its ordinary limits. Though I had passed the edge of the Array and the countless corpses which covered the coast, I chased a trail of footprints in the sand which was speckled with the ash left by black fire. I took a final glance over my shoulder at the congregation of the dead, all killed by the crime I committed just for the chance to save the love for whom my soul had spiraled across space and time. Even as I raced across the trail of footprints which would pave the way to Claire, I compounded my crimes and concluded that I would justify my judgments if only I could save Aeliana in the end. If I could kill Claire and steal her power to bring back the dead, then I could reverse death itself and have her back.

The trail of footprints extended for a long way along the beach until it reached the empty shore at Ember Bay. I gazed into the starlit sea where I first found Aeliana on the wet sand above the burial grounds of Bellaina’s victims. Even from a distance, I could see shards of glass scatter the sand and shimmer in the starlight, left on the beach from the fires of the golden-eyed monster who had tried to kill us in this very spot. I glanced to the side at the burned buildings which had been caught in the crossfire of that fight. I found the spot in the street where Aeliana and I had slain our enemy and then became intimately entwined in a physical union. I could even see a touch of ashes still stain the street where the only witness had burned to death. But in that moment, a bolt of lightning in the eastern sky illuminated the world with a blinding flash. I saw in the light that a trail of sandy footprints split off from the beach and into that same street. It led into the same buildings which had burned in that fight.

A voice called from the building and pierced the night, “I cannot believe you brought me back to life. You are the same as the monsters who killed me in the first place. Innocent people are dead because you put your own desires ahead of human life! Don’t you remember? Someone did the same thing when they destroyed your home. How many people did you kill just so that I could live?!”
            I then heard a response spoken by Claire’s voice, “You have to understand that I had no other choice. I did the math and calculated exactly how much quintessence I needed to bring you back! I built exactly enough of the Array to save your life with practically nothing leftover. I didn’t do this in some quest for power! The world took you away from me, so I sacrificed a small piece of it just to get you back. Can’t you understand that?”

“Don’t you dare pretend you never had a choice,” answered her son with a quiet voice.

Though I stood at a distance from both the street and the sea, I could hear every word they spoke piercing the silence of the empty city. As he briskly walked away from his heartbroken mother, the revitalized man sent a small shudder across the sky with every step he took. I watched from a distance as he emerged into the street and swiftly walked away. Claire scurried out from the burned building and tried to chase after him, but the excitement of the night had condemned her to a fierce exhaustion. I watched their silhouettes slowly diverge into the distant streets of Bones City, but I decided not to strain my eyes just to watch her heartbreak.

I stood silently on the sand, watching the future for which I fought and failed evaporate before my eyes. The light at the end of the tunnel extinguished in the moment Claire admitted that she used up her ability to bring back the dead, and so the tunnel became both dark and infinite at the same time. My dream had been dashed and discarded in the darkness of a collapsed cavern. I had lost Aeliana on my campaign to crush our curse and create our eternity, and I had lost the only thing that could bring her back. I let Claire wander off into the hollow streets to wallow in the desolation of a wasted hope. We had both sacrificed everything we had for nothing. I had no reason to kill her now. I had no reason to ever speak to her or anyone else ever again. A part of me considered using a stolen power to kill myself in the shimmering shallows as a surrender to the stars which crossed us, just so that I could reroll the cosmic dice and perhaps find her again in a future life. But if that were to happen, then I would sacrifice the knowledge that we were destined to do this tragic dance again and again.

Just as a sinewave always repeats itself even at its lowest, I convinced myself to trust the periodicity even though I had no reason to keep myself going. It was in such a way that I wandered through empty streets strewn with hollow memories. I saw empty market stands and unilluminated buildings on either side of the streets. I could even see the muddy footprints of people who had been alive only hours earlier. I had traded everything I ever knew just for a shot to save the woman I loved, and I’d exchange everything else just to see her one more time. The time on an old clocktower reminded me of all I had and that I lost it. I couldn’t help but remember Aeliana’s face even as she died in my arms. She was hurt badly but still happy. A voice in my head asked what was so wrong with me that I couldn’t have her same resilience. But then, another voice asked how I managed to make her pain all about me. I suppose that that is the way it has always been. It is a consequence of my avarice and my self-obsession.

The starlight shimmered on an empty playground in my path. I remembered this as the playground where Aeliana and I spoke to Donovan on the night we first met, and then I bid him a frozen farewell here on the day we made our escape. His children had played here and competed on the swings while he sat beside Anna on a bench beneath a tree. I walked over to the bench and felt an icy chill in the air as an echo of their lost love. The playground had fallen silent. No children climbed upon it now. No children would ever climb upon it again. Despite the thunderstorm growing in the eastern sky, the air in this place was as motionless as the city itself. The leaves in the trees did not dance or show any sign of life. Only a single swing swayed slowly in the stillness. It almost felt like this city was haunted by the vengeful souls of my victims, but all their souls were trapped inside my head. I am the conduit through which their empty voices echo into this ephemeral world. I am the vessel through which their empty souls will enter eternity.

The nearest streetlight suddenly flickered. Between the cold air at the bench, the streetlight flicker, and the swing which moved on its own, I decided it was time to move on. It was time to leave the city behind me. By some mechanism I did not understand, a phantom plagued Bones City as if it were fueled by the anger of countless people striving to survive and save their families. I walked away from the playground and made my way toward the home where I had brought Aeliana when we met for the first time. Even from a distance, I could see steam seep through the street and climb into the sky. Even from a distance, I could see the ashes of the home where I wasted away waiting for her to find me. I stepped inside the wreckage and kicked aside the cinders which were once notebooks filled with pages of nonsense. Nothing I wrote then ever mattered, and even this journal is nothing more than a diary etched into crystal. It exists only to serve as a backup for a memory which corrupts itself over time.

Dear crystal diary, I’ve come to a crossroads between the past and my decisions. This fallen city worshipped ancient heroes as if each and every one of them carries the burden of a world that only they could save. They chose to see the best in themselves and their heritage; they saw the best in the people who shared the streets with them—each life lived betwixt passionate ideals and idle pleasures. If I were anyone else, perhaps I would hate myself for the blood that stains my hands. Perhaps I would find myself haunted by the lost voices which echo in my heart. Perhaps I would renounce my crimes and commit myself to using my unparalleled power to prettify the world I shattered. Perhaps anyone else with my strength would have left this world even better than they found it. I said before that my story was never one of a willful man striving to fix a broken world. I said then that stronger men than me have tried, but that is impossible. There are no men stronger than me.

Perhaps this in itself is proof that this world was damned for destruction since my inception. If there does exist some God who exerts any will upon this world, then that is the source of the unique power which burns in our soul. From the very start, I was given the most fearsome weapon that exists in this world. Not only am I cursed with the power to devour everyone else—I am malevolent enough to actually do it. The truth is that I hated everyone in this city even before I met her; she simply gave purpose to my hatred. I was born broken and have no one else to blame for my malice.

My proclivity for destruction is not a consequence of circumstance in any way. While other orphans lamented that we were discarded by our parents, I simply found relief in knowing that no mother would ever know my depravity. While other orphans detested that our parents would have killed us before birth if given the chance, I simply found irony in the way that this city had created its own destroyer; I knew all along that I would kill them all. While other orphans bemoaned that the workers and the world cared nothing about us, I simply found solace in knowing that I was not alone in apathy. While other addicts decried the way that the chemical created comfort we could find nowhere else, I simply concluded that we were cursed to this condition from the start.

The truth is that I have nothing to blame for my malevolence. My aberration is my birthright, and it isn’t anything other than simple statistics. Just as some people grow unusually tall, others grow unusually short. Just as some people are born clever and curious, others struggle to understand simple truths. Just as some people are born to grow into idealistic heroes, others become monsters by no fault of the world around them. I am an extreme outlier; I am the datum that skews the bell curve beyond normality. I am the Z-score which should not exist.

Even as I blasted my way through the city wall with a bombardment of powers, I reflected on the way that this darkness had always dwelled within me. I could not blame any outside force or even the shadows of the souls I had devoured. I remembered lying awake on a lumpy cot beneath a leaky roof as a child in an overcrowded orphanage. I remembered thinking to myself that it would not change anything if everyone around me died in an instant. I remembered thinking that no conscience could stop me from doing it myself, but I refrained because I had nothing worth fighting for. I had nothing to gain. I had no one to benefit. Perhaps that was when I first suppressed my madness, and it remained silent until the day city security sent Alyssa outside the walls. Even then, the fire in my heart had been hidden by layers of ice forged by a society which dared to derail my deathly desires. I wasted years of my life playing pretend as an ordinary citizen of an ordinary world, playing a peaceful part like a puppet on a stage. I fooled more than just the people around me; I had even fooled myself.

I could have lived a peaceful life if only the stars had not crossed us. The stars feared the power we possessed, and so they cursed us apart from the very start. But had we only shared a simple life as husband and wife, then I would have never awakened the darkness I had buried. We could have lived peacefully as ordinary workers in an ordinary city. The underworld would thrive as it always had, but it would never cross our path. If only the stars had not sought to separate us, then the streets would still be teeming with pedestrians. Families would browse the markets as they always had. Lovers would cuddle on the couch and watch some mindless show. Donovan and Anna would sit side-by-side on a snowy bench and watch their children play. More than a single swing would still be in motion.

I flexed my new power as I trekked for a second time across the badlands. I intended to tread slowly so that I could distract my breaking heart with daydreams of a distant past where I still had Aeliana at my side. I intended to move slowly through this world without playing part in it for a short time, but the barbarians who plague the badlands would not accept my abstinence. They rushed at me as if they could feed on my flesh, but a scattershot of energy blades tore their bodies to pieces. A woman stood in my path for a second time and steered a sandstorm with her hands, though she did not remember me from our past encounter. She instead saw me only as fuel for her power. She fought bravely until she realized that I had the power to fight back, and in the end, I devoured her just as I had devoured so many others. I threw her broken bones into the sky and smeared her blood onto the sand.

As I walked away from the body which had burned in black fire, I remembered that monsters just like her had haunted the world which Aeliana wandered for years before we met. She had lost everyone she ever knew to an early death. To some extent, I think that we as people are programmed to see each other as ephemeral after we have experienced enough death. Only someone with experience truly understands the fragility of the human body, so they soon enough see how easy it is to lose everyone they love. For that reason, I think we as people are endeared to the eternal whether we realize it or not. Someone who has only seen death is therefore cursed to cling onto anything they think can defy it. For Aeliana in all her tragic suffering, this drove her to swim across the sea just for a shot at a love she could not lose. We fell in love immediately, due in part to the way that she and I knew we were eternally bound. In a world where all is lost to time in the end, we are driven to chase anything immortal. At the very least, that’s my theory.

And on that basis, I made a promise to myself that the next time I found Aeliana in her future life, that time would be the last. I would dedicate all I have to ensuring her eternity. But until that day, it is simply a matter of setting the stage. By the time I find her, I’ll have stolen so much power from the stars that no force could oppose us. There will not be enough people from which she even could catch some plague, despite that I already have the power to cure it. There will be no chance for any righteous do-gooder to strike her down. They will be unarmed, powerless, and too terrified to take a single step against us. The name Asivario will haunt all that remains of this hollow world and echo in the hearts of the few fortunate to hide in the hell I’ve created. I may even duplicate this diary and send it into other worlds so that their people understand that they cannot fight against me. Everyone in all these worlds will understand that they are nothing more than an ingredient, a steppingstone to the future we will forge when I find Aeliana in her next life.

I wrote this journal for myself in the guise of a life I can dream when the stars sway. Because my memory will inevitably collapse under the weight of eternity, it will at the very least serve as a partial record of the way in which I made a monster of myself. Each conversation is transcribed from memory to the best of my ability, but the passage of time has already robbed the words of their order. Not every word was spoken exactly as it appears, for my memory has already begun its gradual descent at the time that I am writing this. This diary serves as an imperfect roadmap of a perilous past. It was in the process of my slow walk across the badlands that I first decided I should transform my memories into one last notebook filled with nonsense.

But that train of thought ended when I reached a sandy hilltop and saw the silhouettes of towering treetops in the distance. They climbed forth from the sand and scraped the starry sky. I wondered if perhaps my subconscious had led me there as if it were a dying ember up ahead in my hollow tunnel, but I pushed myself onward regardless of the reason. I remembered that I had first ventured into this forest when I was at my weakest. But as I crossed from the badlands onto the forest floor, I stood stronger than any entity to ever exist in this world. The only actual similarity was that in both cases, I wandered into the forest broken-hearted, searching for any reason to keep going.

I said to her ghost when I found her by a patch of sand, “Where do you think it will be when I find you again? I miss you so much that I can think of nothing else. I miss you so much that I have dreams of killing myself. I want more than anything to just somehow have you back.”

But her ghost winced quietly and said, “I do not know how long I’ll be dead. I know you said that we met here once before as lost lovers and we glimpsed our eternity, but I cannot see the future or the past. I do not know when or where we will meet for the next time. I suspect my previous incarnation burned a part of herself as fuel just to somehow see that truth, but the only power I possess is the one to freeze time. The only thing I know for sure is that you and I will meet again. Even if we have to wait centuries for our paths to cross again, I will burn bright with love when I find you. We will not pass as strangers on the street. We will fall into love as passionately as before and incinerate anything in the way of our eternity. It’s exactly as I said before! We are twin flames dancing in an endless spiral.”

I nodded slowly and said to my love, “You are the only thing I could ever dream of. I would wait any time and cross any distance just for you. Galaxies could collide and not stop that from being true. There is no crime I would not commit, no victim I could not make submit.”

But she said as she slowly started to fade, “I vow to honor every promise I made. But if we are to stay too long in this ethereal place, we could both find our minds permanently lost to the fog of a fake world. We cannot stay here—at least not until we return to conquer this land and everything else.”

I whispered to Aeliana the words she already knew, “I could spend forever in a dream as long as I’m with you.”

We shared our final words of love as if that could in any way hold me over until the day I find her again. In the end, I chose to heed her wishes and leave the forest behind. I had a world to conquer, and I could not do it there. I slowly made my way across the continent as if I were fighting just to catch my breath. But as I walked away from the forest and away from Bones City, I still stared at the life I left behind from time to time. While darkness devoured distant skies in all directions, I saw an occasional flicker of fire to the west. I thought it at first to be a phantasmagoria conceived by my heartbreak, but I could see the glimmer even as I faced away. My rational mind declared that this fiery flicker emanated from offshore volcanos erupting into life. Even in the bright flashes, a curtain of smoke shadowed the sky.

But in my heart, I knew that this volcanic lightshow was just reality’s way of conforming to my mindset. The fire and smoke were not a manifestation of my guilt showing the destruction of Bones City. It instead epitomized the love I had that burned in death. It served as a premonition of the perfect future which would be built by my hands—a future where all this world will burn as fuel just to light our march into eternity itself.

It is a dying fire which was once ablaze with heat, but now it flickers weakly like a love left incomplete. The embers which remain give a faint red glow, locked in a shadow of their former glow—whispering of a future I do not yet know. But like a lost life which fell astray, the flickering fire faded to gray. The flames once burned bright, blinding, and blue! But now, the flames struggle just to make it through. Cinders and embers burn as if they’re barely there, left by a fire which once danced in the air. I could practically feel her life slipping away, but she warmed my life until our last day. So even if she’s trapped in both the future and past, the aftertaste warms like a wound sure to last. Though these ashes are all I have left from before, we will rise like a phoenix and blaze as we soar. Just like the flickering embers which still remain, our lost love will reignite again. I will fan the flames and force them to rise; I’ll burn this world just to see the light in her eyes.

But in the end, this journal is more than just a treatise to my own heartbreak or a manifesto of my malevolence. It is more than a diary of pain or a talisman of ephemerality. These pages serve as the emblem of the star-crossed lovers, and as a promise with Aeliana to dance beside her as twin flames in an endless spiral.